


No Longer Dirty

by happilyappled



Series: Dirty Verse [8]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Unrequited Love, bottom!Gerard, hyper!Frank, mechanic!Gerard, teenagers in high school who like to fuck a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-14
Updated: 2012-10-14
Packaged: 2017-11-16 08:02:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/537277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happilyappled/pseuds/happilyappled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>#8: Gerard comes back home for the Christmas season.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>He sees Mikey putting up one last picture and wonders why his brother doesn't hand it to him, but taking a closer look, Gerard understands. It's a picture of Frank, his mother Anne and her boyfriend, Clive. The living room is quiet while he takes it in and turns to face his parents. They don't say anything for now, and Gerard takes a glance towards Mikey, but he's looking elsewhere like he has nothing to do with this. Lastly, Gerard focuses on his grandmother and asks, "Frank's coming too?"</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	No Longer Dirty

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, [Erika,](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kuriositet/) who's a great friend and the perfect beta. And thanks for everybody that has come along this journey with the dirty!verse. It's been a pleasure for me, and I hope I don't break anyone's heart.

The train is packed with people and Gerard is sweating. In December. He's going home for Christmas after almost four months of college, including five weeks of consecutive art assignments, exams and practical classes. He's tired and closes his eyes for a minute. He still has a long ride ahead of him.

The first thought in Gerard's mind is dedicated to college and how demanding it's been. Not as terrifying as he'd feared, because once he got used to the different school, people and manners, things started rolling naturally. He just had to focus on his skills and dreams for the future because he was in Art School, after a long battle with high school and himself.

People seemed to like his work, which made Gerard feel very proud. His classmates asked him for tips, especially Lisa, who looked out of place and most of the time, but had a lot of talent for sketching and sculpture. His professors complimented him too, especially Mr. Crawl, who has several degrees in Contemporary Art and Cartooning, and models on the side, which Gerard thinks he is _very_ good at.

In conclusion, Gerard likes college and the people he has met there.

The next thing he knows, the recorded voice sounds around the train, announcing that they're arriving to Board Street and Gerard's eyes jolt open. Two more stations and he'll go home, see his family again after five weeks. Gerard went home very often, but for these past few weeks he'd been buried in assignments, so he didn't go home at all and he's looking forward to it now. He's excited for the holidays, the first ones as a college student, because he missed his grandmother and her charisma, her words, even her stupid cat. He's missed his mother and her cooking, his father and his garage, his brother with all the excitement he showed over the phone yesterday.

It's overwhelming. Gerard had to be away from his family to understand how much he loves them, to evaluate the good and the bad sides of every single moment he's lived with them.

The train jolts back into motion and, suddenly, he realizes that he has missed Frank too. Gerard hasn't thought about him in a long time, mainly due to college work, but also because it became uncomfortable to speak with someone so far away. Now Gerard misses Frank's hugs, his pretty face, hanging out with him, lying in bed next to him too, not to mention having sex with him. It was never an issue before because, once Gerard focused on something, he forgot about home, but the memories still feel good.

At least until Gerard looks down at his lap and feels uncomfortable for thinking about Frank so suddenly. He doesn't feel like he is the same person, so the past doesn't fit so perfectly anymore. Gerard looks at the window and sees the world outside passing by and thinks about how being in New York changed him.

There, he felt the weight of more freedom and more responsibility because he lived with a roommate in student halls, not with his parents anymore, but most of the time he was alone or with his classmates, who helped him grow up. Thanks to them, Gerard knows what he wants to do in the future, knows he can be happy in college, knows how to pursue his dreams. In only four months, they've gone from seeming stupid to plausible, mostly because other people want the same thing. That kind of experience has taught Gerard that anything is possible if he work for it; it made him learn and improve his skills, and gave him more inspiration for his projects.

Gerard's startled by a train passing by in the opposite direction, and then he sighs. Then the tunnel comes. The darkness outside gives Gerard a perfect reflection of his face and it's pretty clear that the changes haven't been only mental, but also physical. His face is a little thinner from the dinners he skipped, focused on his assignments, and his eyes aren't as clear as before college. Now he has more secrets to hide, related to college work and to pleasure.

His style has changed a bit too; he keeps wearing jeans and t-shirts, but traded the comfortable sneakers for army boots. He owns even more jackets now, of all shapes, colors and materials, and the military green raincoat he's wearing now is pretty new too, actually. The biggest change is his hair, though, as it's no longer dyed black. One project two months ago inspired Gerard to be bold and since then, Gerard's hair has been dyed red — the rawest shade he could find. It isn't exactly a statement, just a need to express the change in his personality.

Despite all that, Gerard is rather homesick. Maybe he's more irreverent and more active, but he still is the old Gerard. He still likes the same things, but his attitude towards life has changed. And he likes himself a lot more now. He smiles at his reflection and listens to the voice announcing that he's another station closer to home.

**

The next day, the Ways are excitedly decorating the living room, with a Christmas tree and the same old decorations. Usually it was done a lot earlier in the month, not only a few days before Christmas Eve, but Gerard's mother wanted to wait for Gerard so that the family worked on it together. His arrival was properly celebrated with hugs, motherly tears and a lot of news to share, after five whole weeks without seeing each other.

Christmas songs sound from the radio somewhere in the living room. Gerard and his grandmother are singing along as loud as they can, singing off-key most of the time mostly for fun, while Mikey laughs at them. They grin at each other and turn around at the same time to their parents, who keep handing out stuff for the tree. There are smiles on their faces too. Gerard realizes his parents are just really happy to have the whole family together again. He surely missed that happy spirit of his family because they have always been close, despite the occasional fights and disagreements.

Something brushes Gerard's leg and he looks down. His grandmother's cat is passing by and rubbing on his pants, so he picks it up and turns to his grandmother with a grin. "Where should I hang Ms. Puss, Grandma?"

"Put her down, Gerard," she retorts, getting the cat away from Gerard's hands. "Don't ruin her Christmas happiness."

Gerard laughs at that and leaves the cat alone. He turns back to his mother, gets another red ball from her hands and they both stop in time. Gerard looks at her weirdly, appreciating her smile and shining eyes, but then she says, "I'm glad you're home, son."

The whole family continues working on the tree, keeping their tradition of putting up the usual decorations and adding a picture of everyone who was invited for a meal with them. It could be for the dinner on Christmas Eve or for lunch on Christmas Day.

This year, Gerard notices that there is a picture of Aunt Charlie and he grins at it. She's his grandmother's sister and the best great-aunt they've got. She's never married, despite her sixty years old, and she's one of Gerard's favorite relatives, namely because of what he can remember about her from his childhood years; he remembers being taken to comic stores, video shops, live expositions, even to concerts when she was in town and not in Europe. He has a special place for her in his memory because, with Aunt Charlie, it was always about art and raw emotion.

There's a picture of Uncle Max and Aunt Brigitte, the hated homophobes related to his mother as well. Gerard scrunches up his nose and groans at the thought of facing them again, but his grandmother slaps his shoulder. "I know you can respect them," she says. Gerard nods because Uncle Max is her oldest son and Gerard would never disrespect _his grandmother_ like that.

Gerard's other grandparents are in a picture too, but they're only coming for Christmas Day. They're traveling all the way from Texas, with their boring and opinionated minds, but Gerard doesn't really mind them. They might be a little awkward, but have never insulted anyone, or anything.

There's a picture of a friend of Gerard's mother, from her work, because _dear Mrs. Way_ invited this woman to dinner and lunch so that she wouldn't spend the season alone. Gerard doesn't really know her, though.

He sees Mikey putting up one last picture and wonders why his brother doesn't hand it to him, but taking a closer look, Gerard understands. It's a picture of Frank, his mother Anne and her boyfriend, Clive. The living room is quiet while he takes it in and turns to face his parents. They don't say anything for now, and Gerard takes a glance towards Mikey, but he's looking elsewhere like he has nothing to do with this. Lastly, Gerard focuses on his grandmother and asks, "Frank's coming too?"

His grandmother nods at him, with a sad expression in her eyes, pretty clear to Gerard. She knows something Gerard doesn't. Yet his mother is the one explaining it to him. "They don't have to spend Christmas alone, Gerard."

He looks at her again, giving up on looking for answers in his grandmother's silence. He objects, "But Anne has Clive now."

"They're our friends," his mother replies, simply and assertively. Gerard is left fidgeting in his sweater, his hands picking at the cuffs because he suddenly lost all the words he could speak. He didn't expect _that_ picture. Sure, Frank had spent the last two Christmas with them, but Gerard assumed that their mothers had stopped talking like Frank and he. They haven't, apparently.

"I bet you've missed him," his father says.

Everybody keeps working on the tree, but Gerard only stares at it now, not knowing what to do or how to reply to that. He feels a little guilty about having stopped talking to Frank after his birthday on Halloween, but he kind of stopped having things to tell him, or had many things he didn't want to tell anyone. He's missed Frank, he already came to that conclusion, but didn't think much about him in New York. He's nervous now, though as this year's Christmas might be a little more awkward than he expected.

**

The days until Christmas Eve go by in a haste and the Way family is busy with home tasks and with work at his father's garage. It makes Gerard happy to spend a few hours there, because he might have changed a lot, but his love for cars remains exactly the same. Wearing overalls again feels really good and working allows Gerard to forget his insecurities, if only for half a day. The rest of it is spent at home, helping his mother with the cleaning.

By five o'clock on Christmas Eve, Gerard's helping his grandmother setting up the table in the dining room. His mother is still in the kitchen cooking, and his father and brother are upstairs. Their guests will arrive soon and everything must be ready before then, but they're working calmly while talking. Mostly Gerard's grandmother is asking him about the conclusions he came to during his first months in college.

He admits that his insecurities from last summer were mostly anxiety issues and that he managed to turn them into better things, only one month after he went to New York. He didn't have many expectations for his first week and finding other students like him, unsure and lost and scared, it made Gerard smile at the end of that day and sigh of relief when he went to bed that night. His grandmother says she remembers his call that Monday night and how relieved he had sounded, and it makes Gerard smile now.

He also met many weird people that made him feel 'normal' and definitely not self-conscious, because people in art school had very awkward manias and phobias. They also had different ways of working, thinking and expressing their feelings, so nothing felt wrong. It comforted Gerard to a whole new level. Initially, he had thought it would be the worst experience ever and that it would be difficult to adapt, but it had actually been easy and he made great friends in college. That makes his grandmother grin at him.

"How's Aria?" she asks, looking down at the table. Gerard can still see her smirk and rolls his eyes at the name she mentioned.

Aria is not a big deal. She's his classmate and a big player so far, making Gerard feel very stupid around her, but inspiring him with her way, walk and looks. She changed Gerard, and gave him a new muse, but it doesn't mean she is anything more than a classmate that fucked up Gerard's head with her mysterious games.

"She's fine, I guess," he tells his grandmother with a shrug. "It's not like she is such a big deal for me, Grandma. Don't look at me like she is."

"Alright."

After a small moment in silence, Gerard's grandmother turns to him and asks, "Are you excited about tonight? I mean, as far as I know, _Frank_ is looking forward to seeing you again."

This makes Gerard shiver. He wasn't prepared for this possibility, having assumed that Frank would stay in Florida, or at least spend the season with his family, not Gerard's. He understands that their mothers have always been friendly, and that Frank and his mother spent the last two Christmases with the Ways because it was just the two of them. It doesn't make sense to Gerard that they're coming this year as well, mostly because of how his relationship with Frank decayed overtime.

He tells his grandmother this, as honestly as he can, and she nods, but asks, "You stopped talking to Frank?"

He nods. "College work started falling in my hands and I stopped checking my personal email so often, so I haven't really talked to Frank since his birthday. He stopped calling, too."

"That's so weird. You were so close," his grandmother says as Gerard smoothes the tablecloth without thinking.

"You know how these things are. Distance always gets the best of us."

"It doesn't have to be that way!" his grandmother retorts, assertively, frowning at him.

"It just happened," Gerard insists, walking away from the dining room into the kitchen when his mother calls for them. He still says over his shoulder, "The distance, college, new problems, new lessons to learn—"

"New people," his grandmother cuts him off. Gerard rolls his eyes again, dismissing the conversation and focusing on his mother's new request for help. His grandmother drops the subject too.

Regarding Frank and him coming to Christmas dinner with his family, Gerard can only hope that Frank doesn't ask of him what Gerard doesn't feel anymore. Gerard didn't mean to, but he slipped away from Frank and their previous relationship, but it was mostly motivated by the distance and the amount of college work.

**

Later, Gerard's standing in the living room, which is now a little more crowded than usual, and he's talking to Mikey. Their mother calls Gerard's name and he looks in her direction, seeing that Frank is beside her.

Frank is smiling his warm smile. Gerard can see that he has changed too, but his smiling capacity remains the same. The main difference is that Gerard has to somehow force a smile of his own. He feels rather uncomfortable facing Frank at last, but mostly because it was once easy to actually smile at him authentically. Gerard makes himself talk, though. "Hi Frank, Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas. How are you?" Frank asks, in a normal voice, but Gerard can still read past that. He noticed the way Frank's smile falters when he walks closer and greets Mikey warmly, and the way Frank's eyes keep shifting between Gerard and somewhere else, and the way Frank's hands seem fidgety.

Gerard has no idea how to react; should he hug Frank, kiss him, shake his hand, pat his shoulder? What should he do? It's a complicated situation, four months after he last saw his best friend, and two months after he last spoke to who had become a mere acquaintance. Gerard feels lost and Frank looks like he doesn't know what to do either.

"I'm good, you?" Gerard manages to stutter, but clears his throat. "You look different."

As soon as it comes out, Gerard regrets having said it. He looks _and_ feels different, so why shouldn't Frank? Why did he have to point it out? Sure, Frank has a different look; he cut his hair really short, wears glasses and seems to have put on some weight, but that doesn't mean anything.

"I do?" Frank laughs. "It wasn't on purpose, I swear. I just wasn't used to Florida and had to adapt myself. I found out that I tan very easily, isn't it great?"

Frank's laughing and Gerard has been so worried about his question, thinking he could have offended Frank. It didn't even freak him out, and Gerard was buried in guilt like he had just attacked Frank. So Gerard relaxes and laughs with him, only now noticing how Frank does look tanned. "It looks good on you, though."

Frank beams. How he manages to look so comfortable after so long, Gerard doesn't know, but he starts relaxing too. It's only Frank. "Thanks, I really like your hair too. You look like an art student."

Gerard smiles genuinely. "Thanks. College is so challenging that we just have to stand out, right?"

Frank's starting to answer, but Gerard's mother calls everybody to the dining room, so they follow the call. They can continue talking during dinner, share their stories from college, but Gerard hopes Frank doesn't want to talk in private afterwards. He's suddenly scared of explaining his experience in art school and his lack of emails to Frank.

**

The meal goes alright, everybody talking and laughing, Gerard sitting in between his brother and grandmother and in front of Frank, as they tell stories from college. It sounds so natural because Frank is just so happy about everything, but Gerard is still apprehensive about some things.

As soon as it's over, the guests go to the living room, where Gerard's father will be serving drinks, but Gerard stays behind. He wants to help his mother and grandmother tidying up the kitchen and dining room, doing so in silence and with his mind as empty as he can. However, he keeps finding his grandmother staring at him strangely and he frowns at her every time.

Soon, he's going back to the dining room to get something else for the dishwasher when his grandmother grabs his arm and says, "Don't think I don't know you're running away."

"What are you talking about?" he protests, but goes with her when she pulls him to the kitchen door. "I'm trying to help!"

"Thank you, but you should be out there. There's someone who wants to talk to you," she finishes, pushing Gerard towards the living room. He knows what she means, but fakes ignorance and frowns like he has no idea what she's saying. Yet she turns around and leaves him there, taking a look of the whole living room, where his family's talking merrily and Frank is sitting on the floor by the electric fireplace. He's alone, looking down at his hands as he drums his fingers on one knee rhythmically.

"Go on, make him happy," his mother whispers in his ear all of a sudden, startling him. He doesn't want to, because he's afraid of talking to Frank and saying the wrong thing. He's scared of what Frank has to say about Gerard's behavior after Halloween and of having to answer personal questions about college, and certainly of admitting to Frank how his feelings have changed since the summer.

Right now Frank looks so uncomfortable sitting there on his own. When his mother approaches him and he looks up at her, his body language suggests that he wants to be somewhere else. Suddenly, Anne gets out of the way and Frank looks up, finding Gerard by the kitchen door, like there was a magnet pulling him in. Frank smiles a bit and his face is illuminated by the fake glow from the fireplace, along with the gleam in his eyes. It's still there.

Gerard realizes he can still read Frank's emotions when there's some hope in Frank's gaze. It's still something from their old bond, Gerard reading Frank like that. He smiles back after a while, before Frank's excitement falters again, and walks in his direction. He goes in silence, without thinking.

Frank gets up and, when they're close enough, he says, "Hey Gerard, I was wondering where you were," he exclaims, reaching out to touch Gerard's shoulder. Gerard looks at his hand, but moves his gaze back to Frank's face.

"I was just in the kitchen, helping ma with the dishes," he replies. From the way Frank is close, leaning towards him, Gerard thinks Frank might hug him soon. That should be normal to them, as they know each other so well after two years of being inseparable, but when Frank creeps over him and does hug him, Gerard feels very weird. He suddenly doesn't know how to hug. Frank's being his usual self, the same expressions, the same weight of emotions on every single thing he does, so Gerard hugs him back. It stops feeling so awkward when Gerard convinces himself that this is okay.

Frank pushes him back. "We didn't really have time to be with each other, so I was thinking—"

"Yes," Gerard says. Frank shuts up and looks at him incredulously. Not even Gerard knows what he's agreeing to, but he'd rather do it now than saying no and hurting Frank.

"Do you realize I can ask anything of you right now?" Frank laughs and Gerard mimics him naturally, because that's something he would have done in any other occasion. He can't respond in any other way since this is the same Frank he saw off by the driveway back in August. "I was thinking that we could go some place quiet to talk? I don't feel comfortable around these people I don't really know."

Gerard gulps. He was expecting something like talking, but the realization that it's actually going to happen makes him nervous. Even so, he understands that Frank wants to do this in private, so he suggests, "You wanna go for a ride?"

"Sure," Frank says with a broad smile. "I'll take my mom's car," he continues, adding that he just needs to tell his mother about these plans and make sure she has someone to drive her and Clive home if they take too long.

And off they go, a few minutes later, wrapped up in their coats and scarves. It's cold outside, but the car provides them some comfort. Frank puts the vehicle into motion and they remain in silence for a minute, but then Gerard asks Frank what he wanted to talk about. Their conversation starts casually, Frank asking how Gerard had felt in college and how it's going, then they talk about the people they met and the things they did.

If Frank can talk so openly about college, and if he can look so unperturbed by their lack of contact for two months, why shouldn't Gerard? He just keeps talking and pretending he never forgot Frank after Halloween, after he met that very mysterious "player" in class. After a moment, though, his awkwardness comes back when he realizes he shouldn't be thinking about anyone else while hanging out with Frank, and also that he isn't listening to Frank.

When Frank stops talking, Gerard has no idea what he was saying, so he keeps quiet. The other doesn't seem too bothered by it, as he parks the car. Gerard notices that they're in front of Frank's house, but doesn't know what this means. "Frank, what are we doing here?"

However, Frank is staring at Gerard and shushes him with one finger over Gerard's lips. It's the first time they've touched since they left the house and it didn't seem important, but now that Frank's finger remains on his lips, the awkward feeling is strong and brings a shiver to Gerard's spine. He focused on Frank's face, his serious expression, the love and the lust carved again in his eyes, just like before college, but in a way that Gerard doesn't really comprehend. He doesn't even know if he can take it.

He notices the slight tilt on Frank's lips and then Frank's eyes are filled with the devotion similar to what they had shared when they were dating. It's unbearable. Gerard feels rather tense and he can't imagine what's going to happen next, what Frank's going to do. He looks so resolute and needy, and moves his hand across Gerard's jaw, only stopping when it reaches under Gerard's ear. Frank is also leaning forward and Gerard watches his lips as he begs, "Let me."

Gerard does and their lips touch. It's a very small peck, but Gerard's eyes still widen as his body goes rigid from the neck down. Frank pulls away in the next second with his eyes closed and clears his throat. "Can I do that again?"

Gerard hesitates in answering to his request, because he doesn't know what he wants to do with this moment. He doesn't even know what is really happening here or why, and it's slightly disturbing. Frank's lips twitch, though, showing impatience, and Frank tilts his head leaning in again, so Gerard lets it happen again. When Frank's lips touch his, Gerard tries to figure out what to say or do now that they're alone. He wasn't prepared for this, and it's pretty clear in his awkward position right now. He doesn't even close his eyes.

Frank pulls away again and opens his eyes, looking back at Gerard sadly. Maybe he isn't feeling anything from these kisses, just like Gerard who is just empty and emotionless. Maybe this is it and there will no longer be any awkwardness, or glances into the past, or regret for having put an end to their relationship.

Then Frank moves forward again, this time kissing Gerard's lips with urgency, trying hard to deepen the kiss. He moves a hand to Gerard's leg, closing it around his knee, making Gerard close his eyes out of instinct. He still doesn't feel anything with this kiss, there is no spark, no fireworks, there's nothing. He does shiver when Frank opens his mouth and licks across Gerard's mouth, but his lips aren't really collaborating.

It can't be that hard. Gerard can just let it flow, so he opens his mouth under Frank's. There are no images in his mind, only the assurance that this means nothing and that he is just following Frank's lead. Their lips and tongues wrap around each other, but while this used to feel so good and natural, it seems forced now. Kissing Frank isn't part of Gerard anymore; it's no longer his second nature.

Gerard is the one breaking the kiss this time and, opening his eyes, he sees Frank hanging there wanting more. He's pressing closer again, squeezing Gerard's knee, moving his other hand to Gerard's neck, but Gerard disapproves and whispers, "Frank, please, don't—"

Frank doesn't seem to get the message, because he opens his eyes and kisses the corner of Gerard's mouth, then Gerard's cheek. He also squeezes Gerard's thigh and grabs the back of his neck, leaning forward even more and murmuring, "I missed you so much."

Gerard remains silent. He has to react quickly to not scare Frank away. He wants to explain, wants Frank to know why Gerard is so cold to him now. He doesn't want to lie and say he missed Frank too, but doesn't want to disappoint who was once his best friend. Therefore, he kisses Frank again.

This time, it's strong and open-mouthed, with fast lips and a conquering tongue. It's full of hands around Frank's face and leaning forward, closer and closer. Frank even moans under the pressure of Gerard's kiss. Gerard doesn't want to fail him, no matter how many different images roll around in his head, nothing he wanted to share with Frank right now.

Since that sudden realization that Gerard doesn't belong to these kisses anymore, only one face comes in Gerard's mind. It's Aria's, his classmate, model and player extraordinaire. When he first met her, she was the interesting new person in his life and there were so many things he wanted to try with her, and say to her, and take from her. She is a mysterious artist with very good taste in contemporary art and very original techniques for working with alternative materials, and she made Gerard very curious from the very beginning. His legs used to shake when she walked by and he used to feel nervous when she stretched beside him, her language body always so intriguing, but then she showed the same kind of interest in Gerard and he spent a few days sleeping in her bed.

When Frank moans and moves his hands to Gerard's chest, the images shift. This time to a man, Ian Crawl, Gerard's professor and mentor. He's given Gerard great lessons about art, and also some advice on his life and career, but what really reminds Gerard of him right now is the way he touches Gerard's chest. It's strong and passionate, just like he's feeling right now.

Gerard shouldn't be thinking about New York, art school and its people while making out with Frank, should he?

Gerard stops and grabs Frank's hands, puts them away from his body. He remains silent, trying to stop the mental images and to focus on the man in front of him. Suddenly, he hears, "Let me take you inside, please."

The tone of that plead is really low and sensual, and Gerard's previous thoughts turn his awkwardness into a rather intense sexual tension. He spent the last five weeks stressed out and frustrated over college work, and it reflects in the way he reacts, pulling Frank's face closer and kissing him again. He's hungry and won't deny Frank anything right now. If he wants to take Gerard inside and fuck, Gerard will do it. "C'mon."

**

Gerard is only wearing his t-shirt when he reaches out for Frank's clothes, but he starts by taking the first change he noticed on Frank tonight; his glasses. He removes them and waves them a little to ask, "Why do you need these?"

"I started having these headaches, and then it turned out that I needed glasses. But I only have to wear them for a few months, it's nothing to worry about," Frank replies, taking his glasses and putting them on the nightstand. Gerard doesn't say anything, but Frank continues speaking. "They were the biggest change for me since college started, I swear. I gained a little weight, made a few friends in my class, but nothing too eccentric. You changed a lot, though, I can tell."

Gerard's eyes widen in surprise as he looks at Frank and takes his dark red sweater off, and he asks, "How can you tell?"

"You've been a little awkward with me the whole evening, it's like you don't know what to do," Frank replies, putting his arms up again so Gerard can remove his t-shirt too. Frank's chest isn't as toned as his face and arms, but that's not really what Gerard is focused on. He listens attentively to what Frank is saying. "And you don't talk as much as you used to, it's like you're scared of me. You're afraid of the new me, although there clearly is a new you. I mean, just look at your hair!"

"I did change, and it's my fault we stopped talking weeks ago, so of course I'm scared of seeing you again. I dunno how you handled college in Florida, and I didn't know what kind of person I'd find," Gerard says, caressing his hands down Frank's still pale chest. He looks like the same Frank, but Gerard knows that's an illusion. They have both changed for sure.

"Don't worry Gerard, it's still me. And your hair might look different, and you might feel different, but I still see you." Frank smiles.

The only response Gerard can give him is a kiss, slow but deep. He pulls back to look at Frank's chest again, something he hasn't seen in a long time. Well, maybe seeing half naked people in art school is kind of normal, in some classes at least, and Gerard has also been to Ian's house several times. He went there to admire Ian's modeling skills and to explore his body, but this is very different. Frank is his high school boyfriend, the first guy he ever touched, the first guy he ever saw completely naked, and it felt really good for those two years. Gerard's body is still responding to the sight; Gerard gets a little harder over Frank's naked chest and that's reassuring. At least tonight.

Gerard touches Frank down his side, going for his belt, and Frank ruffles Gerard's hair to say, "I like it. This new color is very vibrant and brings out the gleam in your eyes. It looks great on you."

Gerard takes the compliment with a silent kiss, while he gets Frank's pants open and slides a hand inside. He can feel Frank's cock, hard and twitching at his touch, and asks, "Did you miss this?"

"I've been waiting for this moment the whole month," Frank says with a little sigh, working on Gerard's pants too. He unbuttons them and slides the zipper down very slowly, looking into Gerard's eyes.

Gerard has another question for him, though. "You weren't lonely in Florida, were you?"

At first, Frank hums like he's considering how to answer Gerard. He seems rather tense, though, his hands shaking when he tugs at Gerard's jeans to shove them down a little. Gerard gazes down at his underwear as he feels his cock twitching, and Frank cups his balls and squeezes, producing a moan low in Gerard's throat. It's like he's trying not to answer at all, but Gerard looks up at him again, trying to read him. He can't, though. He notices, however, that Frank's voice trembles when he finally replies, "Of course not."

"Good." Gerard sighs, both in relief at this answer and in pleasure at Frank's squeeze on his balls again. "Going through college alone must be a real nightmare. I wouldn't have made it without—"

"Shhh." Frank shuts Gerard up with a surprise kiss and Gerard just lets it happen. He lets himself go as Frank releases a low, intense moan.

Soon their clothes are on the floor and they're on the bed, making out fervently. Gerard is lying on his back and Frank grinds down against him, and their hard-ons rub together, making them both moan. Gerard doesn't feel much different right now, compared to what he always felt with Frank, at least physically speaking; he's turned on by Frank and he's kissing Frank eagerly, groping his body with impatience. Frank is doing just the same and he's making Gerard moan and thrash around carelessly, wanting to touch and be touched. When Frank breaks the kiss, they're panting, but he asks Gerard, "Do you want me?"

Gerard only moans in response, knowing that Frank will interpret it the way Gerard wants him to. It's not that Gerard is lying, because he is definitely enjoying this moment under Frank again, but it's weird if he thinks about it. He hasn't wanted this for months, but now he can't resist. Gerard can only pull Frank down for another kiss and grasp his ass to rub their crotches together again. He's hard, and feeling Frank's cock against his is irresistible. He then moves his hands to feel up Frank's body, from his thighs to his hips, back and chest, and the muscles beneath Gerard's grip react in the same way. Frank still shivers at his touch, still moans and groans and grinds down over Gerard's crotch until they moan out.

"I want you too," Frank says when he pulls back from the kiss, but he touches Gerard everywhere now. His hands are calloused and smaller than Gerard remembered, but he's still the same person. Frank still wants Gerard and reacts in the same way to his presence, like they haven't been apart since the end of the summer.

That's not to say that the next movements feel so normal, so natural to Gerard. He recognizes them very well, as he watches Frank get a condom and lube from his nightstand drawer and Gerard works with him next. Gerard has done this in college, Frank probably did too, but it feels different when it's them. Gerard feels like this is bittersweet, especially because he knows that there aren't as many feelings now as there was in August; at least from his part. He feels rather empty when he rolls the condom down Frank's cock, and empties his mind when Frank spreads his legs and presses a lubed-up finger to his hole.

Gerard doesn't want to think about anything while Frank preps his ass, while Frank kisses his stomach, but he can't help himself. He thinks back to the last time he did this with Frank, and how emotional it was, and thinks back to the very last time he did this. It was with his professor, at Ian's house, after Gerard worked on another nude sketch for class. He remembers how amazing he felt that day, how he lasted so long and kind of came three times in a row with Ian's overstimulation exercises, how he let Ian fuck his ass hard until he was hard again. It can't be compared to this as Frank fingers him slowly with two or three fingers. It's still good, but it doesn't really feel like it's enough.

"Fuck, Frank, I need you to fuck me now," he says, moving one hand to Frank's shoulder and squeezing it like a statement. He means to say that he's ready, and Frank seems to understand because he pulls his hand away and positions himself properly. With Ian still on his mind, Gerard can't really do it like this, can't look at Frank while they fuck, so he says, "Wait. Let me—"

He just gets up and turns around, lying on his knees and propping his ass back to offer himself to Frank. And he does seem to enjoy it, as he bites on his lip and crawls a hand over Gerard's ass and up his back. He says, "I can't wait, Gerard. I missed you so much. I want you _so bad_."

"Then have me." Gerard rolls his hips so that he rubs against Frank's crotch, earning a moan from him. He holds himself up with both hands on the headboard as Frank lines up his cock with Gerard's hole. He holds Gerard open with the other hand and pushes in gently, but the images in Gerard's mind are certainly different.

He's thinking about Ian and how they've done this together so many times already. He thinks about Ian forcing his tip into Gerard, the head sliding inside, Ian's cock filling him up so good. Gerard closes his eyes to hold on to that mental image, as Ian is the man Gerard is already so fond of; a thirty-five-year-old man that has been giving Gerard so many experiences, and so much hot sex, and he's so skilled at everything he does that Gerard can't help it. He's completely fascinated by his professor.

"Goddammit, Gerard, you feel so—"

"Fuck." Gerard moans because he has to stop Frank. His voice doesn't belong to the image Gerard wants and needs right now. It's unfair to Frank, especially because he wants Gerard the way they were back in high school, but Gerard can't control his mind. High school is out of his system now; he's a college student, addicted to his college experiences. He's betraying the two men, though, as he imagines Ian behind him when Frank is the one working over Gerard's body. Gerard's having second thoughts about this, so he cranes his neck to look at Frank and form a new mental image. He came here because he wants Frank too.

Frank has his hands on Gerard's hips and they're burning his skin, only forgotten when Frank hits Gerard's spot. He moans and shivers, pressing back against Frank's thrusts and writhing at the sensations. Gerard is still feeling pleasure, he still likes it like this, but tonight he just wants this to end. He doesn't want to lead Frank on, doesn't want to be that kind of guy, as he also doesn't want to stop being with Ian. They've got something special now as Gerard needs him to feel like college isn't so hard on him.

"I'm close," he lies, wrapping a hand around his cock to really get there. Behind him, Frank is sliding his hands up and down Gerard's back, to finally grasp Gerard's ass cheeks and collapse on top of Gerard with a shout. This feels like he's coming, because Gerard can feel him shaking and slowing down his thrusts. It seems too soon, though. Frank used to last much longer, so maybe something is going on with him too. Maybe he saw that Gerard isn't so interested in having sex with him, or how Gerard is trying so hard to end this. Either way, it feels highly unfair to Frank, but Gerard only jerks off to come too. He feels Frank pulling out and saying,

"I want to see you, Gerard. Lie on your back." Gerard obeys quickly, never letting go of his cock until Frank makes him. Frank pushes him down and sucks him off, hungrily, his mouth around the head of Gerard's dick, his fist around the base and his other hand on Gerard's balls. Gerard feels them squeeze and pull up from the inside, his orgasm coiling low in his stomach, and he comes. He moans and bucks his hips up, but none of these sensations are as intense as they used to be. Gerard finishes and then he's limp, panting but barely feeling any aftershocks. And this is very strange.

He's just physically tired, but his mind is definitely awake, and he's just lying on the bed and watching as Frank removes the condom and gets rid of it, and then cleans them up with a baby wipe. He's still using them, which is kind of odd to Gerard right now. He hasn't seen any of this for months and he wishes Frank would stop reminding him of their past.

"Are you okay?" Frank asks, sounding concerned. He lies next to Gerard, kind of pressed to the wall because his bed is a single and small for them both, but he wraps an arm around Gerard and snuggles into him. Gerard nods in reply, but he frowns when Frank gets up from his chest to pull the covers over them. This is another thing they did when they slept with each other, but now it irks Gerard with how awkward it feels to him.

Gerard can only think about the fact that he wasn't really committed to Frank tonight, wasn't really into the sex the way he used to be, but Frank doesn't seem bothered by that. Maybe he didn't notice anything strange. He can't really know that Gerard was thinking about Ian, not Frank, or that Gerard just wants this night to end so that he no longer has to lie to Frank about them. He needs to come clean to Frank about New York and college, and maybe about Ian and maybe Aria too, and he can't lead Frank on because the truth is only one. Gerard doesn't want to stay with Frank anymore.

"Frank, we need to talk," he says, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He's preparing himself for this.

"Can't we talk in the morning? I'm kinda sleepy," Frank replies, but Gerard shakes his head and gets out of bed. Suddenly, he feels too exposed in front of Frank, feels like he's teasing Frank with his body, so he bends down to gather his clothes, putting on his underwear for now. Frank looks rather confused, though. "What are you doing?"

Gerard holds the rest of his clothes in his arms and stands there, staring back at Frank in their silence. He's wondering if Frank will ask any questions, or if he should just talk about college and his new relationships and his reasons to have stopped calling Frank without letting Frank interrupt him. He sighs as the words run fast in his head, but he needs to speak up. "I feel like I need to tell you what happened in New York and why I stopped—"

"You really don't," Frank interrupts him, sitting up against the wall slowly and covering himself with the duvet. "You went to a new city, to the art school you always wanted. I'm sure you were just busy; I know I was busy with assignments for college. And I'm sure you met new people and distracted yourself, but that's what you're supposed to do when you go somewhere new. I just — I understand if you met someone more interesting than your high school boyfriend. It happens."

"It happened to you too?" Gerard inquires curiously. If Frank is in the same situation, in between lovers and crushes, Gerard will feel much better about this. He will be relieved if Frank has been through the same experiences and doubts.

"Nah, it kinda didn't, but it's okay." Frank dismisses the topic with a hollow hand gesture, but adds, "I made a few friends, had some fun, and that's it. Most of the time I was at home and never stayed out late to not make a lot of noise in the middle of the night, since my dad has a three-year-old daughter, and well—"

Frank sighs and looks down. Gerard can see him playing with a corner of the sheet, like he's nervous about something. He seems rather thoughtful and this is a hard image to swallow, but Gerard lets it go. He keeps quiet until Frank continues, "I came back home for Christmas super excited about being with you again, and tonight was great for me."

"Did you feel like this meant something to you?" Gerard asks, not even thinking about the meaning behind his question. He didn't really feel anything that wasn't physical and rushed, but that's the truth. Frank looks up at him and he seems fairly hurt by Gerard's question; his mouth is a tight line and his eyebrows are severely furrowed, which hits Gerard straight in the face. Of course this meant a lot to Frank; he said that he came back and wanted to be with him. Sighing, Gerard feels like he must say something, but he can't be sure if he has the right words to say.

"Frank, there was a reason why I stopped speaking to you. I can't lie to you about that," Gerard says in one go. He can feel Frank's discomfort because of what he just said, can see the way Frank is looking down again and breathing very slowly. Even though he didn't want to, Gerard is obviously hurting Frank and he can't do anything to avoid that, the same way he couldn't avoid not wanting to keep talking to Frank after he hooked up with Ian.

"I know," Frank says faintly, looking up at last. He seems rather hurt and Gerard has to gulp at reading that so clearly. "I prefer to know the truth, really. It hurts that you're a different person than I expected, but if you want to move on from us, I can do it too."

Gerard doesn't react at first. He just stares at Frank while he goes back to playing with the corner of the sheet. Frank is breathing slowly, but heavily, a sign that Gerard has hurt him really deep. He's sad and Gerard is to blame for that, so he tries to change the subject. "Are you gonna be happy in Florida?"

"I'll try." Frank forces a smile, but it's tiny and insecure, and Gerard hates it. He asks Frank how it's been so far, mostly to distract them from the imminent goodbye and puts his clothes on while he listens to Frank. "It's been alright. Living with my dad sucks, but his new wife is really nice to me, and Mimi is a great kid. I love her. As for college, it's been fun. I love my classes, my lecturers and I've made friends. You know how it goes."

Gerard hums and finishes buckling his belt. He's fully dressed now, and Frank has covered his naked body with the duvet, but Gerard picks up Frank's underwear and hands it to him. He certainly doesn't expect Frank's question. "Who is he?"

Gerard blinks for a minute, first. "Do you really want me to—"

"No, don't tell me," Frank interrupts him rather tearfully, and takes his underwear swiftly. He gets up from the bed and slides it on, saying, "I'm going to the bathroom."

He sounds terribly hurt, but also angry, and Gerard wants to fix that. "Frank, I'm sorry I didn't give you an explanation back when I—"

"It's okay, Gerard. You've already explained yourself. It's fine."

Gerard stands there watching as Frank leaves the room and closes the door behind him with a bang. He didn't want this but hurting Frank was inevitable. He doesn't think about anything while he checks that he's got everything and realizes that he should go home soon. He's done enough to Frank tonight, so he sits on the bed and waits for Frank, playing with his scarf.

When Frank comes back into the room, he doesn't look at Gerard immediately, grabbing his clothes and dressing in his pants and sweater quickly before he finally turns to Gerard. There's a hint of sadness in his whole expression and his eyes are slightly red, but Frank could have just been washing them in the bathroom. Still he sounds really broken and confused when he asks, "You want to go home now?"

Gerard only nods.

Later, Gerard is sitting on the living room couch, watching Frank as he stands by the French windows to the front of the house. He's looking outside, at the driveway, as they're waiting for Gerard's mother. Gerard called her just now, asking her when she would bring Anne and Clive home, but she was already on the way to Frank's house, so they came downstairs to wait for them.

Gerard would go home and probably never see Frank again.

When Gerard looks over at him, he's got his head leaning against the glass and he's also moving a hand to wipe at his eyes. Gerard wonders if he's crying, or trying not to. He remembers how Frank had broken down back in August, the last morning they spent together before college, when it felt like they would never break up despite the distance, when their bond seemed eternal. Gerard is certainly bothered by this, because he knows how guilty he is for having broken everything, especially Frank's heart.

Gerard loses that thought when he sees Frank walking closer to the couch and gets up, thinking that his mother has arrived and he didn't notice. There's no car pulling up to the driveway, though, and he's clearly surprised by Frank's hug. Frank has his arms wrapped tight around Gerard, one hand caressing his back. Gerard holds on to him knowing that his hug will probably make Frank feel better about the end of their relationship, despite the fact that Gerard broke his heart and let him down in less than four months. He cups the back of Frank's head to comfort him, but suddenly Frank pulls away from the hug. He stares at Gerard and says, "Do you really want to go? I wish you'd just, I don't know, but I wanted to spend one last night with you. Why don't you stay? I'll drive you home in the morning. Please, Gerard."

"I can't do that to you, Frank, I'm sorry." Gerard lets Frank caress his cheek and looks into Frank's eyes, reading the same sadness in them. He knows he's going to hurt Frank either he stays or not, so he'd rather not be here to see him broken down like this. He'd rather not feel too guilty about the situation he's put them in, and he'll be better if he's away from Frank.

Thankfully, a car pulls up to the driveway and Gerard has an excuse to look away from Frank. "My mom's here. I should go."

Before Gerard can step aside, though, Frank grabs his face and kisses him. He doesn't respond, and Frank pulls away immediately with the most hurtful expression Gerard has ever seen on him. He gets Gerard's scarf for him and has tears in his eyes when he says, "I love you, Gerard."

Gerard freezes, feeling his stomach drop to his feet. Frank shouldn't feel that way anymore, but Gerard knows he always did and can only hope Frank gets over him fast. Gerard is empty of any thought and emotions, and hears the door being opened, so he just says, "I know, Frank."

He hopes Frank realizes that he doesn't mean the same thing he always meant when they were together. It once meant that he loved Frank back, but now it's a mere recognition of Frank's own feelings. He reads in Frank's eyes that he understands, but Frank wipes his tears away when his mother greets them. Gerard wipes another one for him and adds, "Goodbye, Frank."

**Author's Note:**

> I know I said this would be the last part for this 'verse, but it's not. There's something more brewing.... You just wait.


End file.
